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Most only needed the actual appearance of the army.

“It’s like press gangs that seafaring vessels use.” I said.

“If it’s stupid and it works, then how stupid is it?” Uma asked.

I wondered how a land-bound mutiny would work.

It wasn’t like we were paying them...

“Uma, I’m an idiot.”

“You’re male; it’s given that you’re an idiot.” she replied.

“No, I mean over half of their army are mercenaries from the Khanate.”

.....

“Yes, we’ve known that for a good long while, now.” Uma said.

“We don’t need to kill them all.” I said. “We just need to take their pay from the supply caravan.”

She sighed, spoke to me as though to an idiot child. “They will have that well guarded.”

“So we need a team of expert robbers, and not a purely military force.” I said.

“You are serious?” she said.

“I think I know the crew to hire.”

She made a rude motion with her nose. “And you know how to hire these people? How to at least contact them?”

“I... I do not.” I said.

“So what you have is a far-fetched plan with little chance of success and nobody with the skills to succeed at it?”

“I have nothing.” I admitted.

“What you have,” Uma said, “is worse than nothing. You have a false hope. Even if we were to get their treasury, which will be guarded, who knows how far in advance they’ve paid their Kathani? By the time their contracts run out, they can be offered slices of Whitehill and the surrounding territories.”

I blinked. “Not coins from our treasury?”

“Do you think I intend to keep anything valuable here? This is the end, and I will spend every single piece of metal we have. Every sheaf of grain that the army doesn’t need, every painting or banner. Everything must purchase something for this doomed action of the war.”

“Well, then why don’t we fall back to Narrow Valley?”

“And admit to Guur that his city is safer than mine?”

“Wait.” I said. “You said this was a doomed action, not that the war was doomed?”

“Correct. We do what we can to delay them, which isn’t much. The militia of Whitehill does what it can to delay them, again which isn’t much.”

“And then it’s Guur’s turn?” I guessed.

“Yes. We lead the army down our western border, bleeding them and buying time for Rakkal to recruit a new army in the heartlands. Those fools doubtless think of Rakkal’s Glory as our capital.”

“Isn’t it?”

“Of course not, foolish child. Our capital is wherever Rakkal himself is.” She drew herself to her full height. “That runt of a brother I have is the Axe Hero, the first legendary hero to walk the face of the earth in what, three, four hundred years?”

“I don’t have an exact count, either.”

“More than three lifetimes.” she said.

More than ten Uruk lifetimes, I almost said.

“The world just isn’t prepared for what he will become.” she said. “He shall stride this world in glory and bloody conquest.”

I scratched at my chin. “Even with all his brothers, Rakkal cannot break an army.”

“He only needs break its spirit.” she said. “It’s the way of war; once one side loses the will to continue fighting, the fighting is over.”

She smiled, “And then the slaughter begins.”

“And what is our battle plan? How do we avoid being slaughtered?”

“We don’t.” she said. “A minotaur soldier, armed and armored, might be the equal of four uruk, or six humans. A knight might be worth two foot soldiers. We have barely what, two squads of ... dreg minotaurs, and two hundred knights? Call it five hundred infantry, just to save on the math.”

“We’re still outnumbered by a significant margin.” I said.

“By a lethal margin.” Uma said. “Even if there were a way to get the two species fighting each other, we don’t make a force worth mentioning.”

She raised a finger in my direction. “So, before you start whining about walls, the knights can’t fight mounted from the walls. Second, they are sure to have that acid you used to break the wards the first time Whitehill fell. And third, if I must die, never let it be said that Uma died cowering behind frail walls.”

“But it’s okay to die in a series of labyrinthine tunnels?” I asked.

“Better that than... PAGE! Some page bring me a map of the eastern hills.”

“But the eastern hills... oh.” I said.

For those who either don’t know or have forgotten, the places between civilized areas tend to be packed with monsters. A small group of highly mobile types might be able to fit between lairs, but an army...

She was grinning from cheek to cheek. The sunlight reflected in her eyes seemed to take on a red tint. “I may not be a genius, but I shall die well, and take many of my enemies to Tartarus with me.”

“Okay.” I said. “It’s certainly a better plan. But how do we get the army to come after us?”

“That part is easy.” she said. “We let them know that both you and I are with the knights.”

I cricked my neck. “I find it unlikely that they hate me that much.”

“Tell me, you serve the gods of vengeance, do you not?”

“Such as I can be said to serve any god.” I agreed.

“But do you serve them fanatically?”

“I’ve seen many bad endings come to fanatics.” I said. “What one gives up compared to what one gains... it just doesn’t appeal to me.”

She nodded at the road ahead of us. “It appeals to them. When you returned from their land, how long was it before your vacation?”

“I recall it being close to a year. And I wouldn’t call it a vacation.”

“A tropical set of islands, new and unusual creatures for you to eat, and a job that nobody seriously expected you to do quite so well at.”

“My mission to the Shining Isles was a failure.” I said. “By almost any measure of the word.”

“Ah, but did you survive, far better than you would have, here, targeted by assassins?”

“Why would they want me assassinated?” I asked.

“Do you have any clue what happened in that land after you disrupted their beloved three pits of doom?”

“All right, I don’t know that. But ...”

“No. There is no butt. The problem with a theocracy is that if the common people believe that the leadership is no longer favored by their gods, then bad things happen.”

“I don’t see how a few loose god-things is anything other than an opportunity for them to be captured again, or perhaps slain.”

She picked between her teeth with a dagger (yes, while she walked). “Ah, but they did this, at least with the Einherjar, the mortal one. Can you imagine how many holy templars it must have ended first, though?”

“I’ve seen templars; I can’t imagine it was too many.” I said.

“It was enough to help push through a change of leadership after some trials by fire.” she said. “The new priesthood wasted no time declaring a new Thorson, spawn of an evil god walking around on the earth. Someone the faithful had to purge to gain redemption.”

“Me?” I asked. “I’m hardly that dangerous.”

“Perhaps not your physical self. But as a symbol, screw-up that you are, you are the very most important being to their religion right now. How does it feel to be Satan, the walking evil?”

I took a bite from a stick and chewed it well while considering my answer. “You truly think they will divert their entire army into the wild hills just to ensure that I am dead?”

“Perhaps not their entire army.” she said. “But the Thornies, at least, will come after us. Eight thousand soldiers. If they come in small enough groups, we can pick them off one at a time.”

“I don’t think even all of their hobgoblin troops will be sent. Only what they think they’ll need to ensure the slaughter of... Oh, you’re counting on them underestimating us.”

“And the dangers of the hills. At the very least, I expect them to need to send a second wave of troops in after us.”

“And what if they also have mobile, mounted troops? Perhaps mounted on desert lizards?”

“They don’t grow that big.” she said.

I pointed off to our right. “It seems very much like they do.”

She remained outwardly calm. Very calm. Too calm.

“Sound the horns.” she said. “It’s time for our first skirmish.”

A lot like the knights just forming up and riding away without fighting, or possibly even joining the enemy army to ensure their commander was dead, I imagine.

I personally believe in the Seven Hells; others still hold to Tartarus, Gehenna, or the Happy Hunting Ground.

.....