BXBX NOVEL Chapter 339 Guilt
"Xiaoyi, do you think you can hold my hand until I fall asleep again?"
Li Caiyi dreaded to hear that question. That was the reason she felt reluctant to stay for long.
She had an inkling that he would ask her that, and she didn't blame him. Sleep deprivation was a terrible situation to be stuck into.
However, as much as she sympathized with him, she couldn't agree with it.
"No, I can't do that. I'm sorry."
Meng Renshu didn't show any reaction and only stared at her intensely. Li Caiyi couldn't bear it, so she averted her eyes.
"I see. That's a shame."
He agreed so quickly; it surprised her. His fever must have influenced him greatly.
The usual him would at least try to pester her because he was used to having everything he wanted in his hand.
"You know, I kind of regret it." Meng Renshu said, pulling her out of her thoughts.
"What is it?"
"If I were to realize my feelings sooner and pursue you earlier, would you still fall for Dai Zhiqiang? I have a feeling that you used to admire me. But before I know it, you have slipped out of my fingers like water. I still haven't gotten used to it."
Li Caiyi didn't know why he suddenly brought out Dai Zhiqiang, but she felt the need to correct his misunderstanding.
"You are wrong, Brother Renshu. Even if it was just like you said, I would still fall for Dai Zhiqiang."
'Because you don't have the same memories as I have,' Li Caiyi added in the heart. 'The second I return to the past, the string between us has been severed forever.'
Meng Renshu had a painful look on his face before he chuckled mirthlessly. "You are so firm about it. At least hesitate a little. It hurts my heart and pride."
"Brother Renshu, I still think you are confusing your feelings towards me as love. Rather than love, your feelings for me are more like a…."
[Guilt is harder to overcome than heartbroken love]
Li Caiyi bit her lips as that line flashed across her mind. "...Guilt. You are feeling guilty for me."
"Guilt? Is that how you think?" Meng Renshu asked bitterly. "Tell me, am I not showing enough love for you? In which way did I fail to convey it to you?"
Li Caiyi shook her head. "Let's not talk about this. You are sick right now and need rest."
"Don't evade the subject!" Meng Renshu bellowed sharply, surprising her and even himself.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you." He massaged the bridge of his nose before continuing, "Can you tell me why you think like that? I will have an even harder time sleeping with that plaguing my mind if you don't answer."
Li Caiyi clenched her skirt before saying, "At your coming-of-age party, you said you have been having a nightmare, and they always end up the same way. I remember you said I was dead."
Meng Renshu lowered his hand in silence, listening attentively to her every word. "And?"
"Your view of me suddenly changed after that day. You are always anxious and don't hesitate to go to any lengths to keep me by your side. Isn't that because you subconsciously afraid that I will end up the same way in your dream?
You aren't aware of it, but you are blaming yourself for what happened to me in your dream. At least that's the feeling I get from you."
Meng Renshu was silent hearing that. Li Caiyi studied his facial expression and found confusion and conflicted feelings on his fair face. The fact that he didn't deny her claim out of the bat was all the proof she needed.
'Thank goodness I didn't go ahead of myself and think that he seriously feels anything towards me. Like a wise person said, a mistake really made a person.'
Li Caiyi felt even more convinced to keep her distance from Meng Renshu. She never knew when he would change his behavior from very sweet to utter coldness.
If that were to happen again in this life, she only had herself to blame.
Meng Renshu didn't say anything, and an awkward silence soon descended. Li Caiyi looked around to relieve her boredom when she noticed the swat of curtains near the glass door.
She happened to feel stuffy, so getting some fresh air was probably a good idea. She might be lucky and spot her siblings from there too.
Li Caiyi rose from her seat and walked towards the sliding glass door. There were flowers planted near the railing, and a set of chairs and a small table too, where Meng Renshu could relax while looking at the view.
The flowery fragrance carried by the wind hit her face gently. Li Caiyi stepped outside and felt like she could finally breathe. Having to put your guards up constantly was really stressing her out.
She tucked the strands of her hair that tickled her face as she looked below to where the garden was. Li Caiyi immediately spotted two figures standing inside maze-like rose bushes before calling their names.
However, it didn't seem like they heard her. She moved closer to the railing with one hand holding the railing and the upper body slightly bending down, making her body as visible as possible.
"Brother Jie! Xiaohua!"
"STOP!"
That was the only thing she heard before her body was yanked and fell backward hard. It happened so suddenly that she didn't have any time to blink, much less to react.
Thud!
The next thing she knew, she had sprawled on the floor with a pair of arms enveloped her in their embrace. Her side of face pressed against a hot and hard surface, and she could hear the chaotic heartbeat through it.
"Don't go; where are you going? Please don't go."
Meng Renshu's voice was so hoarse and fragile. The arms that kept her close to his body were tightened but shaking simultaneously.
"It was all my fault. I'm sorry. Please don't leave, I beg you."
He murmured in a restrained voice as if begging her. Li Caiyi was pressed to his body by his arms, and it felt like she was wearing a very thick and heavy blanket by how scorching his temperature was.
The wind blew strongly after that, and a droplet of water hit her cheek as she raised her head. Her eyes widened in shock, looking at tears streamed down Meng Renshu's eyes.