2019理论片电线

240 – A Pinch of Bitterness, Helplessness, Self-blame, and Guilt

At this time, Gong Tianyang turned to Gong Yue and said stammeringly, “Father, older sister did... nothing wrong. The one in the wrong are you... please treat... older sister well. Forgive this child for not being able... to fulfil my duty.”

Realizing that these are probably the parting words of his son to him, Gong Yue replied gravely, “Father understands, father understands.”

He chocked up as he spoke.

Gong Tianyang sighed while saying, “why do you all look sad”, and then turned his head again. This time, he looked at Gong Jing.

“Grandfather, Yang’er may not be able to accompany you anymore...”

A pinch of bitterness, helplessness, self-blame, and guilt, the boy spoke to Gong Jing in such a complicated tone.

Gong Jing, as if a child, surprisingly gritted his teeth, grabbed his knees, and trembled, not saying anything.

He is probably wavering, hesitating, and wondering how he should respond — urge him to stay, or show a smile, so that he can leave in peace?

This must be a difficult choice.

Only, time doesn’t wait for no one. There is no time for him to keep silent. Therefore, Gong Tianqing urged him and called “grandfather” in a sobbing voice.

“Grandfather... understands.”

Gong Jing revealed a grief-stricken expression and placed a trembling hand on Gong Tianyang’s face, feeling his last bit of warmth.

Squinting his eyes with enjoyment, Gong Tianyang rubbed his face against the warm, gentle palm.

“It’s so warm...”

Gong Tianyang looked at Xue Qilin again. This time, he smiled happily.

“Older Sister Xue... it has been really... nice to know you...” He laboriously took a deep breath, “If possible... I would really like for me and you –”

The voice stopped abruptly.

No matter how long she waited, Xue Qilin could not hear his little — little wish.

Accompanied by a sudden twitch of his pale lips, Gong Tianyang spewed out a mouthful of blood, which stained Xue Qilin’s fair face and dyed her vision red.

Then, he no longer moved.

The sound of the palm falling on the floor rose, sounding particularly harsh.

Gong Tianyang’s pulse vanished and his breath of life quickly dissipated from his body like mist dispersed by strong wind. Xue Qilin, who was connected to him through his hand, clearly felt him leave for a far away place. She couldn’t help trembling all over and had difficulty breathing.

A feeling of dizziness hit her.

While trying her best to keep her consciousness from falling into darkness, she tightly gripped Gong Tianyang’s hand, which lost all strength, and shouting emotionally, “Speak! Older Sister Xue is listening, Little Yang! No, don’t give up... Don’t give up! What do you want to do with me, tell me and I’ll agree! Don’t, don’t die! Little Yang, don’t die!”

No matter how Xue Qilin shouted, Gong Tianyang still silently refused.

Gong Jing stared at Gong Tianyang blankly, as if not convinced by the facts laid out before him. Kneel-sitting beside him, Gong Yue silently shed tears. As for Gong Tianqing, she has been crying since earlier.

“No, there should be a way...”

Xue Qilin muttered to herself, unwilling to give up, and the palm placed on Gong Tianyang’s left chest radiated a more dazzling warm glow. However, no matter how warm the light is, it cannot warm Gong Tianyang’s body, which is gradually becoming colder.

“– enough, Xue Qilin.”

A quiet voice resounded, announcing the end of everything.

The girl in a palace dress grabbed Xue Qilin’s right wrist and pulled her palm away from Gong Tianyang’s body.

Xue Qilin didn’t resist.

The lass drooped her shoulders weakly, a dull look in her eyes.

She found out that she really wanted to cry, for just a kid whom she hadn’t known for a long time and who often made fun of her.

He is smart, is strong, and likes to play dirty tricks — he likes to smile. He is a kid whom she both likes and dislikes. However, no matter how much she likes, or how much she dislikes him, everything will come to an end.

He will no longer tease her, he will no longer smile at her.

For a long time, heartbreaking weeping became the only sound in the room.

As if someone pinched her heart, the pain in Xue Qilin’s heart is so intense that it is nearly unbearable.

The girl in a palace dress stooped down and moved Gong Tianyang away from Xue Qilin’s lap. Then, she closed his eyes and folded his small hands over his bely.

Gong Tianqing lied down on Gong Tianyang’s body and cried bitterly. Her crying shook Xue Qilin’s eardrums.

“The few remaining relatives show sorrow; the others have already begun to sing again. With death’s departure, what can be said; just put my body into the ground where the mountain range turns [1].”

The girl in a palace dress recited quietly in mourning, then lowered her head and got up.

“Gong Tianyang, you don’t deserve death.”

As if stimulated by her words, Gong Yue stood up, grabbed Xue Qilin by the collar, and lifted her into the air.

“Why... didn’t you say he was cured just a moment ago, Xue Qilin? Weren’t you sure? Why... did this happen?!”

Although her feet left the floor and her collar is boring into her neck, but Xue Qilin didn’t react.

“Speak! Why aren’t you saying anything?”

Finally, Xue Qilin stiffly moved her eyes to Gong Yue’s face. She shook her head weakly and dully and replied, “I don’t know.”

Upon hearing her answer, Gong Yue issued an overcast howl and violently knocked Xue Qilin’s petite body against the wall.

“Uh –!”

Due to the impact, Xue Qilin couldn’t help but exhale all the air in her lungs and groan almost inaudibly.

“Answer me, Xue Qilin! Did you deliberately kill Yang’er? Or did your treatment fail?! If you weren’t sure, you shouldn’t have talked nonsense and pretended to be confident!”

Gong Yue’s eyes are full of hatred and ire.

“Shut up...”

“You’re too cruel. Despite not being certain, you still proceeded with the treatment and ultimately killed Yang’er! It’s all your fault! It’s because of my poor attitude towards you that you took Yang’er...”

“I told you to shut up!”

Gong Yue’s angry rebuke cut Xue Qilin’s heart like a sharp blade. Unable to bear it any longer, she slapped Gong Yue’s hand away and pushed him away.

“You...”

Beyond furious, Gong Yue clenched his fists and tensed up, as if he’s about to lunge at Xue Qilin and beat her up.

Seeing this, the girl in a palace dress shouted, “Stop! Sir Gong, Xue Qilin is a victim, as well. She doesn’t know anything.”

“Nonsense!” Gong Yue glared at the girl in a palace dress and shouted angrily, “She was the one in charge of the treatment! Furthermore, she said that she was sure to cure Yang’er! How could she not know?! She said that she succeeded, that she cured Yang’er, yet Yang’er ended up like this. If there no mistakes were committed during the treatment, then she deliberately killed Yang’er! ”

The girl in a palace dress furrowed her slender eyebrows.

“Sir Gong, calm down! If you carefully think about it, you will realize that there is no benefit, there is no reason for Xue Qilin to do this.”

“Nonsense! She hates me for treating Qing’er badly and deliberately took revenge on me!”

“In that case, wouldn’t it be better for her to kill you? There is no reason for her to kill Gong Tianyang.”

“That’s because she hates Yang’er for not refusing Qing’er’s blood and thus took the opportunity to kill him!”

With that, Gong Yue charged at Xue Qilin again, trying to vent his anger and hatred through violence.

[1] – this is an excerpt from the poem Drawing Up My Own Elegies: Three Poems: No. 3 written by Tao Yuanming