BXBX NOVEL Chapter 822
Zuhra narrowed her eyes, “Kat specified that SHE was asexual, implying pretty strongly that you aren’t. I want to know what you would do? In the even something happened to Kat before you got to this point,”
Lily sighed, “It’s hard to say Zuhra... I don’t really like to think about it. Either I’d move on, meaning that Kat wasn’t the only person for me, or I wouldn’t and I’d be miserable for the rest of my existence. It’s not exactly pleasant to contemplate Zuhra.”
“Well how do you think I feel?” asked Zuhra a little hotly, “I LIVE that situation. My old fiancé is dead and my... friend, my friend is trying to force me together with her other friend. I don’t exactly find any of this to be pleasant you know?”
“Hey I’m not trying to force anything here,” cut in Jara. “I think Apep could be good for you and he has a massive crush on you. I’m not trying to strongarm you here but you have a nice, apparently attractive man of high standing interested in you, despite the fact you’re miserable and had a previous love,”
“Gee thanks for the winning endorsement, Jara,” grumbled Zuhra without any heat.
Jara shrugged unrepentantly, “You’re pretty sure but that doesn’t mean you’re a joy to be around. Might be different for other people, but your obsessive need to clean is just barely tolerable because it’s your job Zuhra. It worries me. As I said... I’m not trying to force anything... but I do think it’d be good for you and if not Apep I might still force you to date someone at some point if you continue to be a miserable maid,”
.....
Zuhra huffed, “I believe you’re trying to refocus the issue on me. I asked Lily a question and I’d like a proper answer to it,” said Zuhra dragging the subject of the conversation back to Lily, who winced in response to the attention again. Her tail found its way to Kat’s and wrapped around it for a bit of peace of mind.
“Look... ok... I might not have a proper answer for you... but how about this? I tell you about MY first love?” offered Lily.
“Wait Kat isn’t your first love?” asked Zuhra shocked.
Lily nodded, “Yes, now do you want me to explain it or not?”
Zuhra made a go ahead gesture so Lily sucked in a deep breath. “Fine. Ok... so there was this girl called Stella...”
(This is the same story Lily told during her confession. If you need a refresher it starts at 552)
Lily went on to explain her friendship with Stella growing up and the issues it caused her later in life. How it forced her to move towns. This time though, after she finished the story, she returned to focus on those moments right after her first failed confession. It hadn’t been particularly relevant at the time she told Kat, but it seemed like something Zuhra might need to hear.
“To back up somewhat Zuhra... the time right after Stella started to vilify me so that the entire school knew what had happened... the only good spot about it is that I never once considered killing myself,” Lily’s words were sharp. Her slitted eyes boring into Zuhra’s. “I thought of it exactly once and dismissed it not a second later.
“It was actually the first time I’d laughed in nearly a month at that point. I couldn’t stop. It was just so silly to me in that moment. I was slowing wasting away, I wasn’t taking care of myself at all. Barely leaving my room even for food and sustenance. I laughed because... as miserable as I was... the idea that it could ever be worth just ending it was so funny to me.
“You see... to me... that would be giving not just my heart but my entire life and future to Stella. Someone who’d just rejected and tried to destroy me despite being my friend for as long as I could remember. I laughed because she wasn’t worth my love. It was probably the moment I stopped my downward spiral. I wouldn’t say I got better after that... not until I met Kat and she started helping me out...
“But it made me remember to live. To live for myself. To find an alternative to being miserable. I’d been pushed to my breaking point but I wasn’t the one who broke in the end. Now. This is quite different. Gaston didn’t leave you intentionally... but perhaps he should have been more careful. Accident or not, Gaston died and he left you here to suffer in his absence. Perhaps use that as encouragement to find something new? Something all of your own?”
Jara was looking off to the side at this point. She wasn’t crying of course. If anyone said otherwise she’d throw her notebook at them. Kat had at some point during the story moved Lily to her lap and was surrounding her the best she could. Trying not to allow Lily to remain fixated on such a dark point in her lap. Zuhra though...
Zuhra had a rather pinched expression. She didn’t like Lily’s comparisons at all. Didn’t like the things she was implying... but to berate her after revealing such a deep wound from her past... Zuhra couldn’t really bring herself to do it. It did make her realise she was perhaps being a bit harsh to the pair in front of her. Sure they were hired by Apep, but that didn’t mean they were without compassion. It wasn’t forgiveness for investigating her past. But it was perhaps... a bit of empathy.
“I... I don’t... Thank you for sharing that Lily... I didn’t quite realise... I mean... I agree it isn’t the same but... but I suppose there is still hope for me. Though... contrary to Jara’s suggestions you seem to have chosen someone rather similarly in looks to your first love,” said Zuhra shakily.
Lily shrugged and said, “What can I say? I know what I like. Apparently I have a thing for red hair but what I really like is nice shapely legs,” Zuhra blushed at Lily’s admission, “what are you looking like that for? It’s nothing indecent, and even if it was. I am happy with my choices. I have no shame in admitting what I find attractive about Kat. If I can’t even talk about what I enjoy, how could I ever get the courage to take things further?” Of course in truth it was Kat that mostly helped push those boundaries despite her insistence on Lily setting the pace. While Kat would leave big decisions like that to Lily, Kat wasn’t terribly fond of how embarrassed and guilty Lily felt looking at her.
“What do you mean exactly?” asked Zuhra confused.
Lily sighed exaggeratedly as if Zuhra had asked a very stupid question, “Zuhra... sure Gaston may have been attractive but WHAT about him was? What specifically called to you the most? Take Kat and Stella for example. They both have red hair, and at first glance you might say that’s why I was attracted to them...
“But I disagree. What I like is actually their legs. Stella was rather sporty and kept herself active, but Kat instead was busy with helping out at the town orphanage and she walked to school every day. It’s a slightly different appearance but just as pleasant. What I’m trying to do is find out if Apep is attractive to you at all!
“I mean, we heard from Belle that Gaston found your neckline particularly attractive. Personally I don’t see it. I can’t see much of your legs, so that’s out for me but you have nice hair that you clearly still take care of and your winning feature is truly your eyes. They’re like real jewels which, is actually a little strange at first glance, but on the second it’s breathtaking,”
Zuhra bit her lips and thought on Lily’s words only to find... she didn’t really have an answer. Gaston was conventionally attractive. He was very closely aligned to the masculine ideal in many ways. Strong noticeable muscles, gleaming teeth, hair on the slightly longer side but well taken care of. Abs you could break rocks on. Not that Zuhra would admit to knowing that fact easily. Through it all though... Zuhra frowned as she tried to find ‘the thing’ she truly found attractive about Gaston. The easy answer ‘everything’ kept popping up but after Lily’s speech it felt... hollow.
“I... I find that now that I am confronted with it... I can’t find an answer for you. I... it is hard to imagine that I never considered it but... it seems to be the truth... I can’t answer any more specifically than ‘everything’ or ‘he was exceptionally handsome’ and... and that hurts actually. To not be able to name anything as he apparently could and you do for your own love...” grumbled Zuhra.