慈禧太后的秘密

Chapter 348

He had a dream, a very long dream. He didn’t remember what it was about, but he could remember that it was a very long one. He looked at his phone clock. It was 5:59. His alarm started ringing after 1 minute.

Listening to the beep of the alarm, he closed his eyes for a moment. What dream was it? The lingering imagery did not leave him. His body felt heavy. He felt like he could feel the weight of time pressing on him.

He barely turned around and managed to lift his torso upwards. His neck was full of sweat. He wondered if he wasn’t feeling good. The wind entered through the window he left open throughout the night. It brushed past his neck and disappeared into the gap between the door and the wall. It was rather chilly, something very unusual for August.

He closed the door and sat up. His head was still driving out the residue of his dream. Even as he washed his face and hair, his eyes were looking not at the mirror but somewhere extremely far. Just what could it be? He felt a little more clear-minded when he washed away the sweat he sweated throughout the night, but the traces of the dream turned blurry.

“You’re going out today as well?”

Bada came out of her room with a long yawn. Maru nodded.

“Why are you up so early?”

“Because I heard the water running. I’m going to go back to sleep.”

Bada drank a cup of water and told him to have a safe trip before going back to her room. The kitchen became quiet once again. He made toast and fried eggs and put them on a plate before going to the living room. He turned on the TV with the remote on the sofa before taking a bite out of his toast. The crunchy sound stimulated his ears. Maru thought about his dream even as he ate. Was it a nightmare? Or was he mistaken and didn’t dream at all? His dream became blurrier the more he thought about it.

After finishing his breakfast, he went to the kitchen to wash the dishes. Just as he looked at the dishes that were submerged in bubbles, he realized that he no longer remembered whether the child he had with her was a boy or a girl.

He turned on the tap and washed the bubbles away. The bubbles were sucked into the drain with a swirl. Amidst the disappearing bubbles, Maru saw his own memories. The plates were his present memories while the bubbles were his past memories. The clearer the present became, the quicker the past faded away. It was just like those bubbles.

“Was it a daughter or a son?”

His fingers skidded on top of the dishes as he washed them. Maru shook off the water before putting the dishes on display. The shiny surface faintly reflected his face. His eyes were stiff.

He sighed slightly and went to the bathroom. He picked up his toothbrush and had a look in the mirror. He could somewhat realize the point of the long dream. After brushing his teeth, he changed clothes. He saw a pair of pants that became too small to wear any longer. Looking at those pants, he thought of the question again. Was it a boy or a girl?

He felt like he had swallowed sand. He sat in front of his desk and picked up a marker. He opened up a notebook he saw and pressed the red marker against the white paper. Now, there was a dot on the paper. Maru looked into that dot. He knew too well what he had to write here. He had the confidence to fill this entire notebook.

The red dot became larger. The paper wrinkled after absorbing too much ink. His hands were shaking. Maru put the lid back on the marker along with a thick sigh.

If he wrote it down, would they become memories? Just because he wrote down his memories in words, could they still be called memories if he read them in the future? Rather than memories, it would be closer to knowledge by then. Understanding his unknown self through his memo. That was quite ironic.

At that moment, he felt a presence behind his back. When he turned around, he saw that woman. The angel, the grim reaper, the devil, or perhaps the envoy of God. The woman that didn’t care what he called her. Oh, last time, she did tell him to call her an angel.

“I came just to check. Fortunately, there’s nothing wrong.”

“So even moments like these were foreseen.”

“Yes, something like that.”

Maru nodded his head. She had told him about this beforehand so he wasn’t that surprised, and nor was he going to complain about why such a thing happened. A dead man came back to life. He gained a golden opportunity. He felt thankful just for that, and he wasn’t someone so disrespectful that would ask for more on top of that.

Just that, he found some things curious.

“You told me before, right? That my memories aren’t disappearing, but that they’re sinking below my subconscious.”

“Yes. Memories are fragments engraved in the soul. No one can erase that. They just cover it up so that there won’t be any further problems. Though, there are cases where even that engraving can disappear if you cover it over and over again.”

Covering, she put it. Maru looked at her and asked.

“Then is there a chance that such memories can become vivid again? Not fragmented memories, but all of the things I’ve experienced.”

The woman shook her head. Her actions were slow, but her expressions were firm.

“That will not happen. Sadly, such miracles don’t occur.”

Sadly - she put it. Perhaps this woman had emotions as well? Or was she just saying that so he could understand it better? Perhaps she was mixing in suitable words just like when adults tried to console a crying child.

“I have a few things I want to ask, can you give me some time if you aren’t that busy?”

“Sure. We’ll be rarely meeting again in the future.”

The woman sat down on the bed. Curiously, the bedsheets creased and indicated that she sat there. Didn’t souls have no mass or something?

“Well, then. Ask away. I’ll answer the things I can tell you.”

“Then I’ll ask you a few things. Are there other people like me, who came back to life?”

“Maybe, maybe not.”

“What a vague answer.”

“Because I’m not a god. I don’t know everything.”

“I see. Then I wish to know where the grandma I used to call ‘mother’ is.”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“But that’s nothing serious, is it? I just want to see her. I want to talk to her like before. I’ve received a gift I can’t payback.”

“However, at this point in time, she hasn’t given you any kind of help.”

“You know well that it’s not a matter of order. I just want to go see her.”

“I cannot tell you.”

Her lips were sealed tight. Maru stroked his own hair upwards. He was at a stage where his memories were not just becoming blurry, but disappearing outright. He wanted to visit the person that gave him his second chance at life before he stopped remembering altogether. He also had the intention to help her if she lived a hard life. That was like his duty.

After not saying anything for a while, the woman spoke.

“She’s living a good life right now so you don’t have to worry about that.”

“I just wanted to say hello. That’s no good?”

“You really are stubborn. Wait a minute.”

The woman extended out her hand. Maru stared at her hand. What was she up to?

“Don’t you know what a handshake is?”

“Oh.”

He didn’t imagine that it was a handshake. Maru grabbed the woman’s hand. Warmth spread around in his hand. He thought that her hands would be cold, so this was rather unexpected. Maru stared at the woman. She was really beautiful. Perhaps she could be called the essence of beauty? Even her shaking eyes provoked his curiosity. Looking at her like this, she looked just like any ordinary person. At that moment, he could see a trace of her from the woman’s face. Do they look similar? When he analyzed in depth, the two didn’t really look that similar. He couldn’t help but laugh. It looked like he was too deeply in love with her.

“Why are you laughing?”

The woman noticed it immediately. Perhaps she was able to see it with her eyes closed? Maru told her that she looked like someone he knew. The woman opened her eyes. The black pupils that looked out of this world stared at him. At that moment, a different scenery unfolded in front of his eyes.

It was the rooftop of a building. A lady who was piggy-backing a baby was hanging the laundry out to dry. He could realize just by looking at her back figure. It was that person. At that moment, he realized that he couldn’t remember her name.

“Where is this place?”

“Just keep watching. I’m just confirming for you that she’s leading a good life. Don’t try to interfere too much. I told you that you should stop being altruistic and try to enjoy your life, didn’t I?”

The lady turned around. She looked like a kind person. The moment he saw her face, he felt relieved. He wanted to approach her and talk to her, but he could not move his body. Well, there was no way he could talk to her. He moved his gaze. The baby dozing off in the baby blanket on her back was a girl.

Maru stared at that girl for a long while. For some reason, it was hard to take his eyes off her. Was it because he thought about his own child that he could no longer remember? Was his own child a girl like that? Or perhaps a healthy boy? The baby girl with puffed cheeks frowned a little before starting to cry. At that moment, the scenery changed once again. He had returned to his room.

“Can you do anything?”

“No, I can just see things,” the woman told him calmly.

Maru thought about the lady. She didn’t look like she was well-off. He wanted to help her out if he could find her. Just as he was thinking about that, his eye took note of the hand he was still holding on to. The woman hadn’t let go of his hand. Maru didn’t feel awkward with this situation either. In fact, it felt too natural that he almost forgot the fact that he was grabbing her hand.

It was funny. Was she so pretty that he wanted her? He thought that his hands were true to his desires. He thought that he should let go. He tried to straighten his fingers to signal her. It was a little embarrassing to say it. He saw that the woman was slowly letting go as well. For some reason, she was rather slow at taking her hands off. Did she push herself by using that magic-like thing just now? He felt rather sorry.

He sighed as he pulled his hand back. He wasn’t able to repay anything to the one that saved his life. Even if he wanted to find her, it would be very hard to find her without knowing her name. No, even if he did know her name, it wouldn’t change the situation. He had moved houses several times after his marriage, but he couldn’t remember the precise locations. The old lady used to live right next to him. He couldn’t resent his vague memories more than today.

‘It seemed to be in a residential area without any apartments.’

He thought back to what he saw just now. Just then, he noticed that the woman was tapping on her white suit with her index finger. She was tapping according to a certain rhythm? What could that possibly mean? - he wondered.

Maru looked at the woman’s face. She had a faint smile right now. The lady’s kind smile overlapped on top of hers. For a moment, the two smiles looked very similar.

“I guess it’s finished.”

“What is?”

“The time.”

“The time?”

Maru tilted his head. Now that he looked at her, she wasn’t tapping anymore. Was she measuring time?

“You told me you wanted to ask me some things, right?”

“Yes.”

“Go ahead.”

“What?”

“I’ll answer them so go ahead and ask.”

She was a strange woman. She was not okay for one moment and okay in the other. Maru decided to ask the things he wanted to before she changed her mind again.

“You told me before that… uh….”

Maru frowned. He couldn’t remember. He wanted to ask something important, but he couldn’t remember what it was. It was definitely related to what triggered him to reincarnate, but the important bits had disappeared. He died, met this woman, some things happened, and he came back to life.

“You have nothing to ask anymore?”

“...I don’t feel that pleasant. You waited for the moment my memories disappeared?”

“Please consider my circumstances. It’s very hard to answer the hard questions that you keep asking all the time.”

“Phew, alright. You can go. It doesn’t seem like I can find out anything. I don’t need to see you off, do I?”

“Of course not.”

The woman smiled as she stood up. Maru looked at her for a while before sighing as well.

“I wasn’t trying to vent my frustration on you. Please understand. I’m a mere mortal. You guys don’t have emotions like this, right?”

“Who knows? I feel like I had them, or maybe I didn’t have them.”

Or I forgot about them. Her last words were very small.

“Mr. Han Maru. Live your present life. Live a life where you can be the happiest. Not for someone else, but for yourself.”

As soon as she said those words, she disappeared from his sight. She didn’t scatter light and ascend into the skies, nor disappear into a portal like in the movies. She vaporized into nothingness as though she was never there in the first place.

Maru spat out a breath as he picked up his phone. He felt like he had a long conversation, but the clock said that it was 6:28. The last time he checked, it was 6:27.

He looked at his hand. The warmth still remained there. It was the sole proof that that time wasn’t a lie. Maru bitterly smiled and packed his bag. Today was the day he had a drama shoot as a minor role in the drama that Suyeon was shooting. He still had some time until the appointment, but he didn’t want to stay in his room.

“I guess I’ll take my time.”

He hung his bag on one shoulder before leaving the house.

The air was rather stuffy.