慈禧太后的秘密

Chapter 217

‘Reining it in, huh.’

When was the last time Maru was pushed to the extremes of his emotions? He couldn’t remember the last time he got truly mad or emotional in life. Even though he cut out most of his anger from his life since he knew it does more harm than good, he’d never thought himself logical. This was just an attitude in the 45 years he previously lived, the ability to look at a situation and call it as he sees it.

He had no intentions of denying that he was a calculating person. Some people believed calculating people to be cold, Maru wasn’t one of them. He thought being calculating was just another facet of human nature. So, trying to decide if that aspect of a person made them human or not felt foolish to him.

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He recalled how emotional he used to be. He went on a trip without his phone without warning and he made big life decisions without giving it much thought. He started his road manager job without much thought. As a result, he became a bus driver. One that left his poor wife and daughter alone by dying. He didn’t think he lived a bad or unhappy life, he actually thought he was quite blessed. Just… he wished to be able to enjoy that blessing just a little bit more.

“Thank you for the advice, but I don’t think it’d be very useful to me,” he told Joohyun.

Joohyun raised her head to look at him with narrowed eyes, she was clearly waiting for him to say more.

“I definitely don’t know much about acting. I’m studying it, but all I’ve learned is that it’s very difficult. I still look incredibly awkward following actors on the screen, this is why I’m learning right now. I heard a lot of things. Try this, try that. I didn’t know a lot, so I tried all of it.”

Joohyun turned around fully to face him, Maru took it as a sign to continue.

“I got comments to rein myself in as well. I do get very riled up on stage. I don’t have tunnel vision nor do I stutter, thankfully. I actually become better at being aware of the audience than usual. It felt odd to be told to rein myself in in that situation, but I did it anyway. Because I was only a beginner.”

“And then?”

“When I suppressed my emotions, I was able to see my companions next to me with clarity. It felt like my vision was pulled back from the audience to the stage. My excitement from before was gone, but I became able to observe the play with a cool head. After that experience, I realized that the instructor’s advice wasn’t wrong.”

“But holding your emotions back means that you can’t show off your potential as much. Do you think actors get to be on stage whenever they want? Countless actors disappear without before they can even flourish their talent. They need to show off everything they have if they even want a shot at succeeding. You’re getting ready to jump into an industry like that.”

“That’s true.”

“So that’s why you need to express all of your...”

Maru shook his head, Joohyun looked at him annoyedly.

“I’d rather not challenge myself without the utmost confidence that I’ll come out on top. I’d like to step forward slowly and surely. I’m confident that I’ll eventually get to express all of my emotions with a cool head in the future that way.”

“You’re not wrong, but I told you. That’s not easy, especially not at your age. How many incredibly famous actors do you think are in their teens, let alone their twenties? There are probably a few around the world, but they’re far and few in between. We say people like that are blessed, they’re the real geniuses. But disregarding them… Most famous actors in Korea are in their thirties, forties. They only truly reach the limelight in their fifties. Get what I’m saying?”

“Acting is proportionate to life experiences?”

“That’s right. Acting, in the end, is about expressing yourself. That requires a lot of seeing and thinking. That’s why age is scary. Age is absolute. You can’t make up for that with talent. At least, not in acting. Even famous young actors lose their light in front of side actors who worked for decades, that’s what age brings to acting. You can’t get life experiences from books. That’s why you need to purge your emotions as fast as you can. So that you can have a weapon to face those that already matured.”

Maru stared directly at Joohyun.

“Was that what you did, senior?”

“I was like an intern at a theater company until I was twenty four. I was a student that believed I’d succeed so long as I tried hard, but I never got a chance even after several years of learning. I even kicked away a few chances granted to me because I didn’t know how to handle it. That’s when I got into a short TV drama and that’s when I thought to myself that I can’t improve with just practice. So I just left everything to my emotions instead. People insulted me at first because I stood out too much for a side character. It was supposed to be a short scene, but I acted as if my life depended on it.”

“So, did it work?”

“I got cast for the next short TV drama the director did, he told me to go wild. That’s when I realized, I can always control my emotions and hone my talent after purging everything inside me. Only after I learned how much I can smile and cry could I really begin to learn to improve myself.”

Joohyun pulled out a hair tie and tied her purple hair behind her, she looked completely different with a simple change. All of a sudden, she looked more like a wild horse than a teasing woman. This is probably what she’s normally like.

“I’m not saying you’re wrong. But it’d take too much time for you to shine with that method. Some people are better at gaining experiences than others, but the amount of experience you can gain in a given time frame is limited. If you’re planning on ending acting as a hobby, then… I suppose it doesn’t matter. But if you want to get into the industry, you better show everything you got. Even if you have to ignore someone else’s command.”

She was full of confidence. After all, she had her entire life to back up her words. Words from people like her were always filled with life and power, they were the type of people who could persuade people in a flash.

Maru shook his head. She was right, at least in her case. Maybe her advice applied to him as well, maybe he might get a different result if he purged his emotions. A new path might open up in front of him, one he didn’t think about before.

“Your words definitely make sense. Maybe I’d be able to try something new if I followed it, whether it be good or bad. Isn’t that right?”

“Right. That’s exactly it. You’ll find several instances in life when you have to take the chance given to you. In your case, that would be the movie. This audition. Teacher has a ton of expectations for you, this is a side character that’s as important as the main character. How many chances like this do you think you’ll ever get in your life? He didn’t tell me this directly, but during a meal, he told me he had someone in mind for the delinquent role. Many people know that someone is you. You’ll be able to learn a ton if you come in.”

“And I’d need to adopt a new style of acting to be able to take advantage of that chance?”

“When you’re desperate, you need to take a risk. You can’t get an edge over everyone else by doing the same thing as them. Teacher won’t give you extra points just because he likes you. If you don’t get in his eye during the audition, he might just forget about you forever. This is how important this is.”

Bring a change to his style. Go against the advice that Miso, Geunsoo, and Ganghwan has given him. Let his emotions overtake reason. He understood what Joohyun wanted, it was sensible advice.

But was that something that Maru would do? Maru took a step back with a smile.

“Thank you for your advice.”

That was the end of that, he already got his answer.

“Looks like you’re not interested.”

“Right. I’m satisfied as is. I actually found a reason to keep going down this path thanks to you.”

Joohyun smiled oddly.

“If you understood me right, you should know that this is a critical moment for you.”

“You are right. There are many people that have their eyes on me on this audition. I know that if I get a role here, I can advance very quickly into the industry. That’s why I should be more careful. I need to prepare and hone my skills instead of taking a risk.”

“There are rumors all over the place about this movie already. How many people do you think are going to come to the auditions? Do you think you can beat veterans with decades of experience under their belt? With just a single year of experience?”

“In some ways, yes. I might even be better than them if what you said about life experiences was correct.”

“...Are you sure you heard me right?”

“Loud and clear.”

Joohyun shrugged after a brief moment of confusion.

“That’s odd. I can tell you’re not being confident for no reason. You really think you have something here.”

She tapped her lips for a second before shaking her head.

“Well, I’m sure you’ll do well. But don’t you dare regret your decision later down the line. The chance you missed won’t come back no matter how much you regret.”

“No need to worry. I’m very good at handling regret. I make it so that I wouldn’t have any in the first place, all thanks to the fact that I’m a calculating person. I take what I’m confident of being able to get. It might not be fun, but so what? I was just born like this. I’ve taken many risks so far already, with acting and relationships alike. I’d like solid results at this point in life.”

“I don’t think you’re at an age where you should worry about that yet.”

“You might be surprised, but I’m a lot older than I actually look.”

“Hah, funny joke. Anyway, I’m of the opinion that you should break your shell before you become another cog in the machine. The younger you are when you do it, the better.”

“But if your sense of self is already well-established, there is no need to breakthrough. I’m not brave enough to stake all of my worth in a single bet, I love playing it safe. Even when crossing a stone bridge, I have to smack each brick in front of me at least three times.”

“What if you fall behind everyone else?”

“That’s completely fine, life isn’t a short track race. I’ll catch up eventually, so long as I don’t trip and fall along the way. I might find my own tricks and start moving ahead. More so than that, I’m me and you’re you. We all have our own ways of doing things.”

Maru moved solely based on evidence and proven methods, he never broke this rule even when he took risks. That was the method he came up with after his forty-five years of living. He no longer had the passion and courage of youth left inside him, but he had the maturity at the very least.

More so than that, he’s had an incredible experience that no one else had. The fact that he looked death in the eye and came back alive. That moment, Han Maru as a person became someone ‘more’. He could look at himself objectively. And because of it, he looked a lot colder to people he didn’t really care about. He was fine with that because that was yet another aspect that characterized him as “Han Maru”.

“You… you’re an interesting kid.”

“Not really.”

“Fine. If you’re that confident, prove it to me. Good luck.”

Joohyun stepped back down coolly as if she had finished business here. After a few seconds though, she ran back upstairs to Maru with a grin.

“Take good care of Bangjoo!”

“Ah, yes.”

“I’ll kill you if you bully him.”

“Uh, right.”

“Take care of that Jiyoon kid quickly as well.”

“I understand.”

“See you next time! Buh-bye!”

Joohyun ran down with a whistle. What an odd woman.

‘45 years. That would surely become a great weapon for me.’

If one’s ability in acting directly correlated with their life experiences… Fine. He’s experienced all life had to offer so far. Sweet, sour, salty, spicy, bitter. He’s tasted it all. Meaning, there was no need for him to change his acting style. While others gathered experience, he only needed to hone himself.

‘I suppose there is a need to empty my emotions though. To get myself to the bottom of my emotions, as she put it.’

Maru smiled quietly.