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We are wandering through a town that looks more like abandoned ruins. The princess and me, just the two of us.

It’s clear that we are being observed, but I walk nonchalantly, pretending not to know. Actually, Maid Girl is hiding in the Royal Girl’s shadow, and Slime-san is currently sitting on my head in its mini-version, hidden by the hood, so there are actually four people, but visually, only two. Armored Pres is away on an errand.

Even though I’m walking alone with a girl, at least appearance-wise, the moment I get even a bit close to the Royal Girl, Maid Girl begins stabbing at me with a sword from the shadow? It’s no fun, she is even wearing the lewd dress, but it’s not fun at all. Well, she is wearing armor on top of the dress, so skin exposure is limited, however, the back, navel, and leg slit are still exposed, truly a marvel of design! So wouldn’t it be against the rules to cover that with a shield?

「Are you sure about accompanying me? We are about to walk into the very midst of enemies, my life might not be in danger, but nothing can guarantee your safety? Why would you willingly expose yourself to such a danger?」

「You are asking if I’m sure, but I just have business in this area? I need to make money, but at the same time, it would be a problem if there is nothing to buy with it, you know? So I’m just tagging along and having some lewd dress appreciation time? Kind of! Sort of? Well, just think that I came to simply take a look? 」

According to Stalker Girl’s clansmen, the main forces of the nobles’ army are still far, but smaller forces of nobles already began arriving, which includes mercenaries as well. While they are called mercenaries, some of them are no different from bandits. Isn’t it risky to let two girls go to such a place on their own?

And also, the First Prince Something is supposed to be coming with the main force! And also that dude, and some other dude, and also that other dude, and it seems that the other other dude will be there too! I wonder what it’s all about?

I heard the explanation, but the prince is supposedly a prince, and according to common sense, princes are generally male? Moreover, it’s a pretty middle-aged prince, and since I couldn’t be bothered to listen to something that boring, I ignored all of that talk about somebody of something coming to whatever with who cares, so I slightly lost the plot of this entire thing. Even so, it’s a brother and sister, letting them have a direct murder contest with each other is in bad taste.

In addition, there have been multiple cases of attacks on merchants supporting our contraband effort. At first I thought that they might’ve found out about the smuggling, but apparently the deterioration of public order, nasty mercenaries, and mischief by lesser nobles are to blame. If they want to loot and steal on the kingdom’s lands it’s their freedom, but I can’t allow a contraband route to be destroyed. Rice deficit will directly impact my meals! The rice grudge is heavy! About the weight of seven dead bodies for one rice grain? Ah, no, seven was the count for gods, if it’s bandits then 70,000 for one rice grain, so might as well massacre them all. Yup, that sounds like a plan! [1]

「There are most certainly assassins around. Their threat is not in their strength but in their proficiency in killing people. Haruka-sama, you might possess the strength to kill monsters or even dungeon masters, but they are specialists in handling and killing humans. Taken under the wing by the royalty or ancient noble houses they kept honing their assassination techniques for ages. What is awaiting us is not even going to be a battle in the proper sense of the word.」

「Oh, no~, I’m so scared of sexy female assassins~! Let me say it aloud, or even shout, I’m very~ scared of sexy female assassins~! Can you hear me~? I’m super duper scared of ultra beautiful sexy female assassins~? Kind of~♪ My worst enemies?」

I tried to play it up! This should’ve raised a flag! Sexy female assassins should already be gathering, amassing here in large numbers from all over the kingdom! Finally, my true highschool boy’s battle is about to begin. Will it be a beautiful kunoichi-san? A bewitching assassin? But the most important point, is honeytrap! Yes, it must be dripping and sweet like honey! That’s right, I have to let them know that I’m afraid of honeytraps too! That’s very important, I wonder if shouting about 2,000 times would be enough? Let’s make placards too, 『Honey Traps Are Essential!』.

「Why would you start yelling like that when we are in the middle of a covert mission! We are trying to keep a low profile! We are sneaking! Please, don’t attract attention by shouting! And don’t start nonchalantly singing too! You are clearly brimming with expectations, and aren’t afraid at all, right? I’d be shocked if any intelligence operative thought『That’s his weak point!』after hearing that! There is a very real danger! Even though there is no reason for you to put your life at risk… Even though the kingdom and royalty should be bearing the responsibility for those wrongdoings, just why…」

Eh! No good you say?! Looks like in this world they don’t even get 『Manju are scary』, can I really make money off selling manju like this? Good grief, that’s why other worlds are other, what a useless world, even though they are so tasty. [2]

Walking through the ruin-like town, we passed a slum-like area covered in debris that doesn’t have a single soul around, and entered an alleyway that not only has not a single passerby but is also devoid of any and all signs of human presence. Now, if coming this far, they are still going to throw middle-aged men at me, I will throw them to a pack of kobolds and bitches! That is a hellish nightmare! Even kobolds were scared.

The group that was following us split up and moved to surround us. Are those bandits looking for gold? Or maybe nobles’ lap dogs, targeting the princess? Or maybe lewd people lured by the lewd dress? If so, we might get along! If they are able to understand the magnificence of this lewd dress, they have to be lewd people of very cultured tastes. Well, since it’s this lewd, they might attack regardless of their tastes though? Yeah, it’s so lewd, that the very idea of walking around in it is questionable.

「Hey, you two. Stop right there!」

They surrounded us, which is cool, I knew this was coming? There are seventeen of them, seventeen middle-aged men! Those bastards went and broke the flags that I was so earnestly trying to raise! Alright, let’s break them. Utterly, thoroughly, club them into pulp, a mess, mush, after all, this is revenge for the broken flags! I’m going to completely break them!

「Who are you people, if you are calling someone to halt, how about introducing yourself?」

Royal Girl is angry. The surrounding middle-aged men are staring at her, muttering『Sexy』or『Lewd』, so she is super pissed! But well, it is sexy? Yup, very.

「No doubt, it’s Princess Shariceres. Capture her.」

「「「Ooh, a jackpot out of the blue? Don’t let her get away.」」」

Looks like it’s middle-aged male mercenary-like bandits who also happen to be middle-aged male lapdogs of some nobles, well, basically, middle-aged men.

「Kuh!」

Royal Girl immediately pulled out the sword, raised a shield, took a low stance spreading her legs, and went into a serious combat mode. That is a good stance. Lowering her center of gravity and taking such a wide stance would allow her to swiftly move while surrounded and maintain the balance between offense and defense while keeping control over a considerable space around her. In other words, the slit on the dress is wide open, revealing not only her legs, but also allowing a glimpse at her inner thighs, this is a very nice stance! This is some good stuff!

「Wait, Haruka-sama? Why are you turning your back to the enemies, and staring at my legs while squatting? Can I cut you down?」

Well, those are just scoundrels, if fought, Royal Girl can beat them on her own, and running away is also easy. Even so, they are scoundrels specialized in fighting other humans. So pulling a sword on them is pointless, it will only get you caught without allowing any resistance. See?

「Kuh! You cowards, using such underhanded… Wait, Haruka-sama, why are you getting yourself caught, squatting like that, as if you wanted it to happen! And where are you sticking your face!」

A casting net. And since they have chains weaved in, I was caught without a chance to cut through it. In other words, there is no way out of this predicament! I’m not to blame! Also, if you ask me where I am sticking my face, the answer is obvious? Thighs? Yup, it was totally worth waiting for it while squatting. Those are great thighs!

But Maid Girl is aiming to stab me from Royal Girl’s shadow! Moreover, it’s a flat gaze maid girl in a lewd maid uniform! Well, getting stabbed sounds painful, so let’s give up on the thighs, my happiness didn’t last, but those were great thighs! After all, it’s the thighs with absolute territory!

「Unfortunately, this would’ve been much better without the armor? Well, even so, I have to take revenge for the broken flags, so as much as I regret saying goodbye to this moment, it was very nice, thank you for the meal? Sort of?」

「We don’t need that brat, off him. But don’t you dare wound the princess.」

A jet black scythe is spinning in mid-air, over my head, the instrument of the soul harvesting reaper. And only now, for a limited time, we have a special offer, two more scythes will come as a bonus, what a steal, available at a wonderful discount, it will cost you only all of your money! I mean, you have to cover for the damages done to my precious flags, that I earnestly raised with such affection, I’m taking everything!

Still ensnared in the net, Royal Girl and I entangle with each other, having this and that place touching, rubbing together, all while engaging in a boisterous dance with scythes. As if in a rondo, I spin around with this well trained dynamite body while hunting down everyone around, cutting my way through as if in a deadly waltz. And then tango! Dishing kicks all around we stomp the middle-aged men.

The softness of her body was too pleasant, so I ended up overdoing it. This squishiness ranks at the top of this world. If I ever encounter a squishiness association I’m definitely going to endorse her.

And since we moved so wildly while still caught in the net, we entwined even harder, which also made the dress slip from the shoulders, exposing her cleavage, the skirt creped up, baring her legs, and had us glued together. For some reason, I sense a sudden rush of kindness towards the middle-aged men that attacked us, so I’m willing to let them off with just burning their heads. You should be grateful for that half exposed voluptuous dynamite body! I’m grateful for this too, thank you very much.

「Damn, you bastard…」(*Whack!*)「This little shit…」(*Thud*)「You m…」(*Bam*)「Oh…」(*Squash*) 「…(*Crack*)」…

Promptly taking their wallets and valuables I put away the loot into the item bag. Sadly, the net that provided such a marvelous time, was removed by Maid Girl? Well, let’s take the net too, this is good stuff.

「Why are you robbing the bandits? Moreover, you are taking everything from weapons to items, no mercy at all! You even took the net!」

「No-no, you got it all wrong? Robbing normal people would indeed make you a bandit, but robbing bandits makes you a normal person? Probably?」

Good grief, what an awful thing to say, it almost makes it sound like I’m doing something wrong? They are the ones who did something bad, so naturally, that makes me a good person? Yup, no doubt about it, a perfectly logical and absolutely irrefutable line of reasoning. In other words, no matter from which angle one approaches it, I’m 360 degrees not to blame? I mean, they are the bad guys here?

Why double Flat Gaze? Wait, since body double is involved, maybe it’s Twin Flat Gaze? For some reason, every time I’m trying to approach things logically, and argue that I’m just an ordinary human, I get dissatisfied looks? I thought that there might be an issue with the translation tool for the otherworldly languages, but even my classmates are giving me the same flat gazes? It’s just sad that they are unable to understand my well-reasoned logic. By the way, my explanations are so logical that the pres even praised me, saying 『Haruka-kun’s explanations are galaxy brain.』. Wait, was that a dis?

Anyway, let’s bait another group, it’s pretty profitable. If 50 more bands were to attack us, becoming a magnate might not be out of reach! Alright, let’s get attacked! Naturally, I still suggest, recommend, and strongly endorse the use of sexy female assassins. Like, I’m waiting?

[TL Notes:

[1] There is an old belief and a saying which is sometimes used to admonish children for wasting food. “Every grain of rice has seven fortune gods.”

[2] A famous Rakugo story.[2] “Manju are scary” The gist of it – a group of young people talks about what they like, each gave some example, then the leader asked what they were scared of, everyone gave something quite commonplace like snakes or spiders, and then one of them says that he is scared of manju, others, naturally, were bewildered, how can anyone be scared of desserts, but he assured them that he is absolutely terrified of manju. So, of course, they decided to play a prank on him, bought some manjus, and according to different version either threw manju at him or left them by his bedside, I’m sure there are other version too, but what they all they have in common is that when confronted with the red-bean-pasta-filled desserts he begins eating them. Other boys realize that they were deceived and demand him to tell what he is really afraid of, to which he shyly answers that he is very scared of delicious tea.

[3] Rakugo – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rakugo