BXBX NOVEL Chapter 31
“You are drunk.”
“No, I’m not!”
The brothers argued and Poliana watched them quietly. Sir Baufallo came to her and said to her calmly, “Umm, Sir Poliana, I hope you aren’t upset about what I said to his highness.”
“Not at all, Sir! Your review of me was the most generous one I have heard so far!”
“His emperor accepts you as a knight, but my opinion still hasn’t changed. A knightess… I can not understand the concept behind it. Even if we return home in the fall, you will still be considered a spinster. And if we do succeed in crossing the river and continue moving south, then… It will be hopeless for you. It would be easy for a 40-year-old male knight to marry a 16-year-old girl, but it is a completely different story for a woman. Are you willing to live alone for the rest of your life?”
“I know you are worried about me. It is true that I didn’t become a knight by choice. I was forced into it, but becoming his highness’s knight… That was my choice. Even if I don’t get to marry and end up living by myself for the rest of my life, I will not regret my choice.”
“… You probably didn’t see me at that time, but I was there when you pledged your loyalty to his highness.”
“Is that so?”
“At the time, I wondered why a girl, who could’ve been my own daughter, had to go through something so horrific like that. When you swore your allegiance to the emperor, I will admit that I was impressed. The other knights will never admit it, but I am certain that they all felt the same way. They will continue to pretend that they hate you and that they don’t acknowledge you, but in the end, they will have no choice but to accept you. That is why I am telling you this right now. As someone who has lived longer than you, especially as a knight, this is the best advice I can give you.”
Sir Baufallo’s eyes turned even more serious as he continued, “If you truly want to remain a knight, make sure that you never get married. Once you become someone’s wife, you will lose your knightess status and when that happens, all the knights who come to accept you will turn on you. They will hate you and will consider you their enemy. You may think that you are sick of men because of how you have been treated in your life, you may claim that you have no intention of ever getting married, you may even believe that you could never fall in love, but feelings aren’t something you can control. Falling in love… You can never be certain that it won’t happen. Remember when his highness said there are things that can’t be controlled even if you try? One good example of it would be love. So if you are sure of living as a knightess, then make sure you live without love, that is the only way you will remain a knight to his highness.”
Poliana forgot to breathe as she listened to Sir Baufallo’s heartfelt advice. She made sure to remember every word. Opening her dry lips, Poliana replied, “I will never forget your words. Thank you.”
A woman was always to blame in the army. Even if she did well… Even if she did bad… Even if she did nothing… Even if she did something…
A place where women weren’t allowed… Poliana was clearly unwelcome in this world. Even when it seemed she was slowly becoming accepted, something new would come up.
Her period… Her physical weakness… Her higher-pitched voice…
The men would say that all women are the same.
Why was she allowed a private tent? It was because she was a woman.
Why did she get to wash alone when men showered together? It was because she was a woman.
A man could remain a knight even after he got married, but what about a woman?
What about Poliana?
All the legendary knightess in history and even the imaginary ones in the stories had similar endings. A female knight either died early with her beauty still intact, or she retired young and pretty and ended up marrying a fellow knight or another nobleman. In some romance novels, the beautiful knightess even ended up marrying the prince she saved.
But in all these cases, the results were the same.
A knightess would no longer be knight after her marriage.
But it was different for a man. Even after being married, a male knight would still be able to fight and achieve success.
Poliana has never denied being a woman. And others might be shocked to hear it, but she never once wanted to become a man. This was especially the case because even a man could be easily raped in a military. She has witnessed it many times.
Poliana considered her life to be average. Some may think she was dead unlucky while others might accuse her of lacking ambition.
But she was not… She WAS ambitious, and it wasn’t for revenge against her cruel family, which would’ve made sense.
Her ambition was to not disappoint her new and beloved emperor. To become a truly great knight. She never gave up on marriage or love, because she never really even thought about these things since she never had the time. She always vaguely thought these were things to consider later in her life. But now… She had to make a decision.
Marriage and love… Pregnancy and a baby.
To wait by the warm fire for her husband or to enter the bloody battles as a knightess.
Being a knight was something she was initially forced into. She did what she had to do to survive, but she never truly had a goal or purpose in life.
Of course, everything changed when she met Lucius the First. The emperor told her that a person gets many chances in life, but Poliana didn’t believe it. Someone privileged like her emperor may get multiple chances, but someone like her…
This chance she was given was going to be her first and her last opportunity. Even as a young girl, Poliana had to work much harder than everyone else. She was smart enough to know that she couldn’t have everything. For example, she knew that she couldn’t be greedy about her looks. She was no beauty and that was that.
Only
Poliana remembered her stepsister’s beautiful hair. She always thought it was pretty, but she never envied it. Her fragile lace dress that reached her slim ankles, her girly singsong voice, her powdered face and neck, and her narrow waist as she walked carefully in pretty but uncomfortable shoes, the sounds of piano and violin from the music room, a flowery perfume for her girly room, the sets of expensive rings on her slim fingers and her necklaces that adorned her; Poliana never envied her younger sister Liana for having all these things.
In her entire life, Poliana has never forgotten even for a moment that she was a woman. It’s that society wouldn’t let her become one. She never tried to mimic men; all she did was whatever she could to survive in a place where women weren’t accepted. She did her best to become accepted.
‘I don’t even know what love is… I don’t feel confident about loving anyone either…’
Sir Batre was proud of keeping her virginity intact, but it was an unnecessary gesture.
Her choice was made, and it was a simple one. For now, she would live for the emperor who truly acknowledged her as a knight. She couldn’t promise “forever,” because life could be very unexpected. Who knows what might happen in the future?
But even so, she knew the best she could hope for is perhaps a one-sided love.
On her part of course.
To know what love meant… Poliana wanted at least that. It would be so sad to die without ever knowing what love feels like.