BXBX NOVEL Chapter 101: What If
“Evelyn,” said Fabian. His lips quivered. “I… …more than sadness.” He was choked for a moment, but he had to say this.
“…..I missed you.”
Why was a love so frightening? Why he wasn’t able to say that simple word? It’s past, those days had passed … But why couldn’t he forget about her?
“I’ve really missed you.”
They rarely spent time together. They hadn’t traveled a lot together. Their togetherness wasn’t enough. Was that why these feelings of regret felt deepened?
“And maybe….you too.”
The two remained silent and looked at each other for a long time.
“Do you feel the same, too?” He said lowly.
Evelyn then bit her lips hard. All reality appeared to fade away.
There was a figure of the universe within Fabian’s black eyes, a world that only had by two people. The world he loved, cherished and longed for was reflected in his eyes. And in Evelyn’s eyes, Fabian found the answer.
“Even now, still, as I do……do also you miss me?” he asked. But there’s no answer.
Evelyn once loved him. One time, she felt at ease because his body smelled the same as her. At one time, Evelyn wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. At one time, she believed that they belonged to each other forever. Once…..At one time.
“Evelyn.”
But Evelyn shook her head, “… it’s too late.” She had already seen the end of this relationship.
Listening to her denial, Fabian looked at Evelyn fondly, “No, I’ve already heard your real answer.”
Her blue-eyes didn’t know how to lie. Her eyes didn’t know know how to hide her pain, longing, and love.
“…You, too, the feeling that you have in your heart is the same as mine.”
Evelyn’s eyes were trembling at Fabian’s words.
“You’ve always had that.”
Fabian’s face slowly drew closer. Evelyn stiffened her body, but intuitively she knew what was going on. As it was, Fabian kissed her gently, pressing his warm lips to hers, as if Evelyn would break.
Evelin’s hand flinched when Fabian firmly swept her lips. But Evelyn slowly relaxed her body after he started to hug her. The touch of his lips felt familiar, that’s when she remembered Fabian’s sweet and gentle kiss.
She’s always the same, as he said. Evelyn’s tears flowed, wetting Fabian’s slightly rough lips. Still, Fabian didn’t budge and kept sucking her lips.
The world of the two people who were so distant now became one. The warmth of their love was still burning, not fading at all.
***
The two were silent for a while. Fabian’s hand, which wiped Evelyn’s wet cheeks, felt so warm. Without saying anything, Fabian lay on Evelyn’s lap. Like he’s always done before.
“Evelyn.” Fabian’s low voice rang.
“Evelyn.” He couldn’t wait for a second and called her name once more.
“Yes.”
“I just… …wanted to call your name”, Fabian spoke in a calm tone and smiled faintly. He seemed to be a completely different person from the Emperor’s figure who stood in the parliament.
“Evelyn,…. promise me one thing,” he whispered. “Everything….whatever we feel, we must tell each other. You can ask, or you can be upset. You don’t have to think alone. No matter how trivial it is.”
It was a very simple yet difficult promise. Evelyn nodded in an illusion as if she had returned to the past. It was like this. It was the same scene as when they were married for the first time.
“It’s all right to hate me, but don’t go against each other’s hearts.”
They both felt and knew how cruel it was. The more they loved each other, the more painful it would be.
“I don’t know …….how I feel right now.” Evelyn gave a confusing answer in response to his wish.
Then Fabian’s smile unexpectedly widened. “Fine, it’s better to hear you like this.”
“I just can’t make a decision now. About having a relationship with Your Majesty or…….” Evelyn could no longer speak. “It doesn’t matter.” Fabian cut it. He wasn’t stupid. At least, he didn’t want to repeat the same mistake.
“What do you think and how do you feel? And if we can spend some time together…… that’s all I need to hear.” he wished.
“But I don’t know what will happen in the future….”
“Haven’t we failed to paint the future?
It was the truth. Marriage wasn’t the end, but the beginning and the two could not settle for the present because they were always worried about the future. When it began to twist and deviate in such a way, it would trigger an uncontrollable disaster.
“I have a request.” Fabian had a lot of demand today. Such a look of him seemed like a public relations stunt as he actually missed her so much. He wanted to feel her body temperature more after a long solitary night he spent imagining Evelyn.
“I want you to call my name.”
“What?” In a surprise, Evelyn asked.
“You’ve always called me Your Majesty.”
“It’s because you’re a, Your Majesty.”
Fabian’s expression was a little dissatisfied. Even though he had said this several times after getting married, Evelyn, who had been thoroughly trained in Imperial family etiquette, always refused outright.
“Please say it when we’re alone. Is that all right?” Fabian kept whining.
“……pardon?” Evelyn was completely shocked. She never knew Fabian had such a boyish side. She never imagined she would hear this from him.
“I don’t want to be an Emperor in front of you.”
That was Fabian’s, true heart. Even though fate had made him an Emperor, he still needed a place to breathe as a man. Evelyn often hugged him in the past, but he didn’t feel like a man at all. Fabian, too, was too late to realize it.
“I am me ……. I want you to see me as a man, not as an Emperor.”
“But, Your Majesty…….”
“You know my name, don’t you? Besides, no one else calls my name unless it’s you.” Unexpectedly, a lonely word came out. Fabian, who spoke calmly, made Evelyn’s heart sting even more.
Even his birth mother, the Empress Dowager, called Fabian His Majesty. Likewise, the Duchess of Perth, his adoptive parents who raised him. If those two people were reluctant, so who would dare to call Fabian’s name?
“Wouldn’t it be better if there’s one person in this world who can call my name”?
Somehow, Evelyn thought of Adrian. If nobody called Adrian’s name because he was forced to become Emperor, she would be heartbroken.
“And if there’s such a person, it’s only you.”
“I’ll try……”. Evelyn said that. It was difficult to change his ‘Majesty’ title. But Fabian smiled gladly when Evelyn didn’t refuse it.
“What about practicing now?” urged Fabian. “No.” But Evelyn turned him down firmly. “More than that, Your Majesty. It’s already late…..” she quickly turned the topic.
“Why don’t you get rid of ‘your Majesty’ if you could?” Fabian bluffed. It was a plea that he wanted to stay longer.
“You should get some rest. You look very tired.”
“No.” Fabian knitted his eyebrow abruptly, “…… I’m just a little tired.”
Evelyn looked down at Fabian in wonder. “……We promised to say everything”, he said.
Evelyn grinned bitterly as she watched Fabian talked with great pride. It was because she felt a little stupid about herself, who always believed he was fine.
“And more frankly, I don’t want to get up from here.” Fabian fixed his head position on Evelyn’s lap slightly. Actually, in the past, he wished to sleep on her lap all the time. However, Fabian couldn’t speak because the Emperor’s dignity stopped him from doing so. But now, Fabian had an excuse, to be honest about Everything, so he took this opportunity and used it.
“Let’s make a compromise,” said Fabian, fiddling with Evelyn’s white hand, “Just a little… … I’ll take a little more rest here.”
“Which part is compromised?” asked Evelyn.
Fabian closed his eyes, avoiding to answer. Evelyn almost burst into laughter, but she managed to swallow it. She couldn’t figure out why she felt Fabian really looked like Adrian in a huge body.
“Oh, I have something to tell you…….” Fabian’s voice was immersed in sleepiness as he said so. Leaning in the most comfortable place for him, it seemed his accumulated exhaustion was coming at once.
“…… There’s…” Fabian muttered low. Evelyn shook her head, pitying Fabian, who struggled to push his sleep away. Then she lifted her hand and slightly closed Fabian’s eyelids.
Evelyn often did this when Adrian was struggling to sleep. Still, without her knowing, she also did the same thing to Fabian.
“I’ll compromise. So sleep….a a little bit.”
“Yes… …a little.” Fabian silently closed his eyes at Evelyn’s touch and call. Her soft scent and warm body temperature were relaxing. After a very long time, Fabian found a place for him to rest.
Evelyn was soon lost in thought when she saw Fabian’s evenly breathing. Past things suddenly popped up in her mind without a sequence. Some things were so overjoyed, some were so sad, and some things were vague.
[‘If only he were a heartless man.’]
But Evelyn soon erased that thought. If he were like that, the sadness within her wouldn’t have disappeared. Her whole life would be pitiful if the man she loved once in her life was truly heartless to her.
[‘We have all made the same mistake.’]
The price they had to pay for their relationship was too high. They were both quiet and awkward. The way of speech was also very different. At first, the differences between them were interesting. Still, as time passed, the feeling of attraction gradually turned to hate because it was difficult for them to understand each other.
[‘If….’]
A dangerous word came up to her mind. It was an image that should never have been created. But Evelyn couldn’t stop imagining things that were happening at will.
If, what if……as long as we could be together, looking at each other like this. Then we didn’t have to break up again. Adrian’s future wouldn’t be a problem anymore.
What if they lived their life as a family? To redeem each other and heal their wounds from the past? There was nothing more to hide from each other, love, and take care of each other, even though they would sometimes quarrel, just like a normal couple.
[‘Yes, maybe…….’]
Her imagination had stopped for a moment. Evelyn felt her heart stiffened, but she couldn’t tell what was happening.
Suddenly she couldn’t breathe properly. None of her fingers moved, and she felt goosebumps enveloping her with chills on her back.
[‘……Please.’]
She heard a voice from a distance, and terrible darkness appeared before his eyes.
[‘Save me.’]
Whose voice was that?
[‘Or, please kill me… …. please.’]
[Your Majesty… … it’s too dark. Nothing… … I can’t see it.’]
The pain covered Evelyn’s consciousness. But she couldn’t even scream, trapping in an endless dark space, and she couldn’t even breathe.
[I’m scared. Alone…I hate it. It’s too…… I’m afraid. Don’t…..’]
Now, Evelyn realized whose voice it belonged to.
[‘I’m cold…… please, hold my hand…….’]
She was a poor woman who was alone.
[‘No, alone… … I do not like it. I’m scared… … .’]
The ending that they had already made.
[‘Your Majesty… where are you……?’]
Only
She couldn’t call his name until the end.
[‘I’m scared. I don’t want to be alone…. ahh…no….’]
But, the words that she couldn’t remember continued in her mind.
[‘I… I’m still…….’]
Evelyn now had found a piece that had been missing since the moment of her death.
[‘I don’t want to die. I don’t want to… …but I don’t……aah.’]
And the darkness hit her.