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“That’s what I was trying to say.”

Ash, who came close, put a shawl around my shoulder. Then I diminished it as if there were no momentary gaps.

“Isn’t it cold?”

“…… not so, it’s just a little cool.”

“Still, put this on.”

After putting the shawl around, Ash sat next to me. I fiddled with the shawl wrapped around my upper body without a murmur.

I could feel my heart pounding.

‘I’m being like this again.’

The shawl edges were pressed for no reason. I was getting used to the fact that my heart was beating like this even though it was nothing.

“Why are you out there?”

“That’s…..wait a minute, that’s the question I asked first.”

“I followed you, noonim.”

There were times when Ash’s smile often feels bitter after I realized my feelings, which was now.

It was fortunate that it was dark. I answered back with my gaze down.

“It’s not a big deal, either. I just have a little something to think about.….”

“What thoughts?”

“……this and that.”

Did it sound like I was avoiding the answer? But I could never say straight.

Whether I was planning to run away……anything else.

“Noonim.”

“Huh?”

“I once said this before.”

“……”

“Now it’s just the two of us.”

I raised my eyes. Ash was looking at the garden with nothing but darkness.

Thanks to it, I was able to capture Ash’s side face with my eyes as if I were appreciating it.

Straight forehead. High nose, sharp-faced lines.

I was watching him as if I had been possessed, but I came to my senses belatedly. Oh, that’s why I can’t let my guard down.

“Do you remember?”

“…… when was it?”

“I don’t think it’s been a long time.”

“It’s been a long time. That’s what the people used to say if they forget it.”

Those words fell on the day my parents died.

On the day of the funeral, when the priest wrote my parents’ name on the coffin then buried under the cold ground.

The younger brother, who was well covered, said, holding his sister’s hand, who was lower than I was.

‘At that time, I should have run away.’

It sounded like a death sentence at that time …maybe.

‘When did I start liking Ash?’

My awareness was late, I didn’t think it was feelings accumulated over a day or two.

Ash’s voice was heard one after another as he was conjuring up such a fresh question.

“Let’s say it’s been a long time then.”

“….”

“The important thing is that it’s still the same.”

“What?”

“That there’s only two of us now.”

Ash turned his gaze from the garden to me. Our eyes met. I stopped moving.

“I only have noonim.”

“…..”

“How about you, noonim?”

“I…”

I felt as if I were stuttering.

Knowing that I didn’t mean that, I bit the inside of my cheek as my voice was about to shake out.

“Of course… so am I.”

Ash laughed with his eyes met with me.

Ah.

I realized for a moment.

There is nothing best for me…….

What exists in me is only the second-best if not the worst.

The worst case for me was Ash who said that to me with those eyes to kill me with a cold and insensitive face as if I’m anyone else.

And the only second best option I had was that I run away from it.

There was no such thing as a choice for me from the beginning unless I had to choose the worst. I knew it, but I realized it clearly at this moment.

“It seems like the wind is getting cold.”

“…….”

“Are you going to stay here longer?”

“……yes.”

“Well, then me too.”

I didn’t take my eyes off Ash’s face.

Even though I felt strange, I couldn’t help it, but I was so persistent in my eyes that I could not help it.

As if I am trying to engrave it.

‘Ash.’

I thought I was going to cry, so I bit the flesh in my mouth again.

‘I’m gonna run.’

Because it’s scary.

It’s scary if he didn’t look with that kind of look anymore.

To see with my own eyes that I’ve become nothing to him.

Because it’s scarier and more miserable than anything I can imagine.

I clasped the shawl around my shoulder.

The touch passed through the grasp was soft. I held back my tears with all my might. It occurred to me that my luggage was likely to be increased.

***

I was lying in bed. The fact that Ash led the subjugation force to the south, instead of the Count, was confirmed.

“They have good eyes.”

“Southern monsters, if they get caught by His Excellency, then it’s over.”

“They can’t even taste His Excellency fists.”

“Now we’re going to dry them up.”

The knights in the mansion somehow seemed to be proud.

On the other hand, Sir Davery’s impressions were slightly divergent.

“Such a nuisance.”

Ash’s appreciation, too, seemed close to the latter. It’s Imperial order so he couldn’t disobey it, but he showed signs of annoyance to this point.

“I’ll be right back.”

The campaign was quick. The longer it drags on, the greater the damage to the south, so the imperial court hurried the schedule.

I looked up at Ash as I walked out with the people of the mansion.

The black horse, which was seized by Ash, wept.

At the end of the greeting, Ash will be on horseback and will leave the mansion with some attendants and knights.

‘This is the last.’

This was the last time.

The only thing I could see was Ash.

My thoughts drove me crazy and I suddenly got greedy. I got close to Ash and tiptoed my foot.

Then I kissed on the cheek.

“……go home safely.”

Although my heart was racing belatedly because it was an act I left it to my impulse, and I was already in the process of rationalizing it in my head.

It’s okay. This much is okay…

As a good older sister who worries about her younger brother, it’s okay up to here.

“……yes.”

Ash looked at me as if he were going to pierce me and soon got on to the horse. He seemed to be fiddling with the cheek I kissed, but I didn’t look closely.

“Don’t worry too much, my lady. Of course, he’ll be back safely.”

I only nodded to Bessie’s voice, capturing the gradually diminishing figure of Ash.

As time passed, even the silhouette quickly became invisible. I turned around in a little slow motion between the crowd.

There seemed to be some void in the corner of my chest. Probably not be filled with anything else in the future.

“Are you all right?”

“What?”

In front of Sir Davery, I tried my best to pretend to be calm.

It is also something that I practised in advance.

“No, it’s just that you seem to be in a subdued mood.”

“It’s all because of the mood”

“Is that so?”

Fortunately, there was no further questioning. I entered the mansion without looking back any further.

Since then, I have spent about three days in a normal manner.

And on the fourth day, I suddenly opened his mouth to Sir Davery.

“Sir.”

“Yes, my lady.”

“Do you remember what you said to me the other day?”

I would confirm that the other party’s attention was directed at me.

“You said you wanted me to be happy.”

“….”

“Are you serious about that?”

Sir Davery answered steadily, with a sudden look on his face that he didn’t know why I was asking such a question.

“Yes.”

“Really?”

“I can prove it here if you want.”

“Really? It’s true, isn’t it? You really want me to be that happy?”

“…….”

“Then……”

There was silence. Sir Davery stared at me silently, as if waiting for my words to go on.

When I saw his strangely tense look, I continued to speak.

“Buy me some coconut meringue cookies.”

“Yes?”

“It should be sold at the Sweet Gentle Cooking Boy, a snack shop on the east side of the island. I’ll be happy no matter what happens if I eat it today.”

“……”

“Come on. I’ll be unhappy if I don’t eat it. Oh, I’m already getting a little unhappy.”

“Oh, I see.”

Sir Davery left the mansion with a look of some sort of regret.

I thought as I looked at the back of Sir Davery, who had taken charge of my errand and had to go out.

‘I’m sorry, sir.’

The snack shop, Sweet Gentle Cooking Boy, takes an hour from here by the carriage.

And then you won’t be able to get the cookies I told you right away. I used to go in person and it sold out just before.

It was a small shop that lacked materials and hands. Even if you wait to make it again, it will take some time.

That was enough.

I came back to my room and took a pen and paper out of the drawer.

And I wrote a short note saying thank you and put it between the bookshelves.

After that, I pulled the rope and called the user. It was Alex who showed that he was free.

“Do you need anything, my lady?”

“I suddenly got a little sick because of the weather.”

“Yes? Then I’ll get the Doctor…….”

“Not to that extent. I’m just a little down and sensitive, so I think I’ll feel better if I take a good rest in my room by myself for a little bit. So, can you tell everyone not to let anyone in my room until tomorrow morning?”

“Uh, even Bessie?”

“Yeah.”

Alex soon nodded yes.

I don’t know if Alex knows.

When he mentioned Bessie’s name, he had a moment of redness on his face.

“Be happy, Alex,”

“Yes?”

“No. You could go out.”

“Oh, yes. My lady, then rest well!”

After sending Alex out, I changed my clothes. I wore the maid clothes I had prepared last night and covered my hair with a cloak upside down.

Then, I checked the quietness of the corridor and left the room.

I got out of the mansion and headed for the back door, which was frequently used by the servants. The guard at the door did not hold me, who was empty-handed in a maid’s uniform.

So I came out and took the carriage. When I got off the deserted alley after running for some time, a familiar voice welcomed me.

“Eonni!”