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“Right, uhm, you may not know but… there was a time where I wanted to do everything by myself.”

“All by yourself?”

I nodded my head.

“Yes, I escaped into a sort of ‘cave’ where I really wanted to hide myself in… I was repeatedly put in situations that would stress me. From my tiredness and sadness, I would give up any hopes of escaping.”

The hem of the clothes I could feel on my cheek felt cooling. I leaned my heating cheeks against his cool arm.

“And you know how you’re always so calm, Lord Ray? I thought I could live on if I could live like you. I thought I could just live on as long as I remained calm, but it didn’t work.”

“I don’t know what you’re misunderstanding. I’m not like that.”

“Yes. I can see that now. Come to think of it, I have never thought about what you might be thinking, Lord Ray. That’s how you and I were.”

“How would you term that relationship?”

“We are distant yet close, intimate yet awkward.”

“…..”

“Whenever I did something, you never asked me for a reason. You had always been so blunt… and distant. After being kind once in a while, you just drift away again.”

My vision was blurring.

“And I think the person I needed, I needed… the most is you, Lord Ray. But now that I see you again, I’m not so sure anymore.”

I did not think I was in that much pain but it seemed like my body could not handle the wound because soon, I was coughing out lumps of blood.

When I opened my eyes again, he leaned towards me closer than ever.

“You are mistaken. I am not blunt.”

“…..”

“At least not to you.”

He let out a warm breath.

My body flinched when what felt like a cold wet blanket enveloped me. I came to my senses as if I had been doused with a bucket filled with cold water.

“I’m serious. You’re mistaken about me. You really are.”

I felt as if I was finally catching a glimpse of his heart for the first time. He looked at me with a gaze that looked both familiar and unfamiliar.

“You don’t know what I’m feeling. So, don’t judge me with your own standards.”

Under the fading sunlight, his expression looked fiercer than usual. Flustered, I stared at him.

I felt like I knew why he was doing this but everything was blurring. It was as if someone had shown me the answer sheet during the test itself but I could not catch a glimpse of it because it was too fast. But I soon closed my eyes at the unknown.

‘If you get too involved with me and show up in my diary, I’ll only end up collapsing and hurting again.’

It was better to just have a close call now. This was like a cracked glass that was one push away from breaking. But I had no intentions of breaking something that was still keeping its shape.

“Lord Ray, I cherish you in my way.”

That was why he should not open his heart to me more than necessary.

‘We should remain the way we are.’

The Lord Ray I was witnessing in front of me was burning and raw as if he had just been pulled out of boiling water. He looked fierce as hell as the light of the sunset remained blazing his face.

“You really are a boring escort.”

He whispered softly.

“You’re never honest. Keep a lot of secrets. And you disappear in the blink of an eye.”

Thud thud.

I heard footsteps.

“If I were to say I was willing to follow you to the end, I would be the most idiotic dumb knight.”

The way he subtly raised the corners of his lips made him look more disappointed than happy.

“It’s alright to run away.”

I was the one injured but his voice was hoarser than mine. As we continued to stare at each other, he sank further into perplexity.

“Because I’ll chase you.”

Lord Ray covered my eyes as he did two years ago.

“It’s alright to disappear.”

At that time, he told me it was alright to cry but now it sounded as if he wanted me to throw myself away.

“Because I’ll find you.”

Only harsh pants filled the room.

“Princess.”

His voice pierced through my ear.

“I hope you have not been bored by hearing my thoughts. Don’t ever get hurt like that again.

I closed my eyes as if he was listening to his breaths.

Even when he lowered his gaze, I could still feel the way his gaze had pierced me. It felt like he was tying me up with a rope and capturing me with his gaze.

“I think everything you said was right, Princess.”

My breaths were rough but he managed to speak calmly with his usual voice.

“I shouldn’t have left you alone that day in the month of Habermia.”

He looked at the sunset through the window. He grabbed the hilt of his sword. As if he himself was the sword. Lord Ray, who remained silent for a moment before looking down, spoke.

“Princess. I don’t know how things had led to this point but I have to say something seeing as you would like to keep what happened today a secret.”

It felt like something got caught in my throat. I had a feeling I knew what he was going to say.

“I don’t really want to hear it though.”

Lord Ray had a strange sixth sense.

“Are things like this going to happen again?”

“…..”

He got straight to the point. Since I did not have the energy to argue with him, I smiled weakly.

“I see. That means you must be fearless for what is to come.”

How could I make excuses? Those were the eyes of a man who had already noticed everything.

“Well, yeah, that’s my answer. I’ll act as if I have heard your advice. Hahaha.”

“… Are you serious?”

“Hahaha.”

“It looks like you can never say you won’t do such dangerous things again.”

He would not like it if I lied. So I leaned towards the lord and whispered in his ears.

“I have a slight headache right now which is why I’m being honest. You should thank me.”

It was getting hard to breathe. When in pain, it was harder to hide secrets.

“I’ll whisper to you flattering words if you like. I don’t want to worry you so I shall move alone.”

While I took a deep breath, Lord Ray lifted me.

“That was not flattering at all. You reminded me how you are so unforgettably reckless.”

He let me rest in his arms as he did not speak for a moment before continuing.

“I made up my mind. I mean, I just wanted to thank you for all your hard work.”

His voice, which had been a tad loud, calmed down.

“… For what?”

“For sticking with me no matter what.”

“Hold on, I have never-”

“Said anything like that. Yes., you’re right.”

He added bluntly as he stretched his face.

“You have given me a reason to do so.”

His hand approached my face but fell before touching.

“Go to sleep.”

“Hold on, Lord Ray! Promise me.”

“Promise you what?”

“That you won’t call for my brothers.”

I grabbed him and spoke urgently.

“Come on.”

He did not answer back. Instead, he covered me with my blanket and let out a long breath.

“I’ve seen you.”

He placed his finger on my forehead to prevent me from getting up. Urgh, I was dizzy. I thought I saw him smile stiffly and whisper.

“Can you please help remind me my lady? Someday, if you are screaming in a place where neither the princes nor me know of, I will still follow you. Even if you are heading to hell.”

He added playfully but his deep and calm eyes looked sincere.

“That’s… a big deal. Why are you acting as if you’re prepared to die?”

I was not in pain and I had more than one life but the Lord did not.

‘I don’t want you to die.’

However, perhaps because of my fever, my voice did not manage to come out and I could not manage to answer him properly.

“My precious… and one and only princess. Your death is something I wish will never come.”

His words vaguely crossed my hazed mind and before I realised anything, I saw him move away.

“… Go to sleep.”

When I opened my eyes again after a long time, Rebecca entered my room along with a cleric.

Lord Ray was nowhere to be seen.

***

“Do I not mean anything to you?”

Perhaps it was because of the heat, I did not understand anything with my hazed head.

My head was spinning. Like I was rewinding the tape of my life, I recalled the times I had spent with Lord Ray.

The moment I heard his footsteps, Lord Ray was already moving away from the bed. The last I saw him, he was a distance from the bed with his eyebrows furrowed. Perhaps I was seeing things but his silhouette as he moved away looked gloomy.

“… Why would you talk about yourself like that when you’re just going to leave.”

Who was I blaming?

He had never told me anything about his past or his family. Likewise, he had never told me he was a knight from the Central Palace in the past. How could I blame him for me not knowing? I did not deserve to blame him for telling Dane everything and yet keeping the same things from him.

“You always think of yourself like that. You had never wanted your brothers or myself to stick our noses into anything you do. Am I wrong?”

However, with his silence so poignant in the bright sunset, I could see pain in his gaze.

I guess I was far from who he thought he cherished.

I thought to myself that when I see him again, I should apologise.

‘It’s not that I don’t cherish you.’

And I did not mean to say it lightly nor was I ignoring his concerns. It truly did not hurt.

‘So don’t turn away like that. Don’t. You, my brothers and my maids are the only people I cherish.’

Even though I knew his worries had piled up, I was still a little disappointed.

The door through which Lord Ray left distorted and swirled like a whirlwind. And as my vision whirled, I found myself standing in a field of ripe grass.

“What do I mean to you?”

Brilliant golden eyes bent gently in front of me. Castor was kneeling on one knee in front of me, smiling happily whilst holding a bloodied sword on his side. I was not looking forward to seeing what kind of expression he would have when he swung that sword.

“Hurry and end it.”

He calmly lifted the sword and I closed my eyes.

I knew I had been thinking about the past and I was just dreaming right now.

Tak.

My eyes opened at the sound to a dark night.

T/N:

Uhm the conversation ash had w ray got a lil confusing at the end! I’m sorry i tried my best but i still could not figure out who was saying what haha.